Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
