When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
