really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
