yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
