That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
