Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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