I need to stop coming to work sober
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
