Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
