I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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