I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
