nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
