I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
