mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
