Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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