how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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