So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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