we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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