she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
