Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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