nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
