I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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