Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
