He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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