I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
