He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
