I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
