Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
