ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
