the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
