Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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