Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
