When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize