i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize