So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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