Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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