Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so let's talk penis.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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