Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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