I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
