im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
