Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
