Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
