are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.â€
Randomize
