He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
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It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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