So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
