I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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