i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
