I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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