I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
