Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
