I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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