I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
