I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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