this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
