I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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