Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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