He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
