I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night