Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
it was like eating out sand paper
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
