you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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