i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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