my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My balls are so social today.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
