God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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